Authentic fools

Authenticity is the most frequently used and most meaningless critical term when it comes to consumers of anything foreign. It is particularly so these days, when people are eating, watching and talking about food from all over the world. Nothing is more annoying than when some pretentious one at the table sneers at a bowl of polenta and says, “This is not authentic.” That is a comment absolutely devoid of meaning. What does authentic mean but it is made as they do in Italy, Romagna perhaps. To make the comment meaningful, there has to be a quantifiable way to discern the authenticity of polenta. Let’s try. We can say that polenta is an Italian dish made with cornmeal and water, an Italian grits. What can we say beyond that? The texture of the dish? Well, some like it cream and some almost dry; some even solidify it and grill it. If we stay only with authenticity, then you can even burn it and it will still be authentic, so long as you are Italian. How can anyone say a polenta inauthentic if the cook is Italian? And by the same token, can anyone not Italian make an authentic polenta? Come to think of it, is polenta even Italian? Corn is a foreign crop from North America. The few centuries they have been eating corn in Italy are but a blink in the long culinary history of that illustrious country. So, I guess polenta itself is not authentically Italian. Truly, to Italian there is only good and bad polenta, polenta and not-polenta, “my-mama’s polenta” and “those cornmeal things that other people make.” There is no authenticity involved in the discourse. It is tragic for the people who would complain about authenticity, because they know little but pretend to be experts. They are, in other words, hypocritical fools. They are fools that do not know that others know that they are fools. Embarrassing, isn’t it?

Medication/Coffee

When I was drinking my coffee today, I realized that I was doing exactly the same thing as when I was sick during my childhood. Chinese herbalist would put candied fruit in the bag with the prescription for the kids. It was to counteract the usually bitter medicine and to entice the kid to drink it. Today, I had my unsweetened espresso, a small glass of water and a couple pieces of chocolate. All of a sudden it dawns on me that my coffee tasted unexpectedly like the medicine. It is strange, isn’t it, that I crave exactly the same taste as I once loathed? Actually, I still loathe that taste when it is not coffee. Is this a sign of my addiction to caffeine? Is this a matter of packaging? Or, that when we grow up, we take up inexplicable tastes? We drink sharp and biting alcoholic drinks; we eat tongue melting spicy food; we smoke lung-burning cigarettes; and we rather work than play. Are these all signs of maturity? Or, are they signs of decay? I certainly hope it is the former, but my instincts tell me, well…

Correction

Upon seeing the Telus employee's picket line today, I realized that I made a mistake in the last post. They are not on strike. They are locked out. This makes Telus' action that much more dispicable as they are the one initiated the present situation.

Abuse of Trust

Telus, the second largest Telecom company in Canada, has block their striking union’s website from Telus’ subscribers. This is a hideous move violating the duty of a service provider. Imagine the telephone company cutting off the lines to their striking union. Service providers should not be the censure of information according to its taste or business expediency. This is not even a matter of freedom of speech issue but using its privileged position to advance its own agenda and suppressing others. This is an abuse of power and trust. If I were a Telus subscriber, I would have cancelled upon hearing about it.

Example of Truth in Advertisement

I have always thought Dasani water tastes awful and now I know why. It is because of the very informative TV Ads the company runs: some guy says something stupid about a woman, and the comment is then transmitted through five guys to sound insincere to the addressee. The five plastic looking buys are supposed to represent the five stage of filtering Coca-Cola uses to make the bottled water. I can only deduce then that the dirty words first uttered in the ads represent the source water they use and the clearer but equally unpalatable words at the end represent the water we buy. This explains everything doesn’t it? They start with disgusting water and run it through crude filter to give us poor and artificial tasting water. Food inspection agencies all over the world should investigate the source of Dasani water. The water may very well be coming from oil field run-offs, seeing how greasy the guys are in those ads. I have always hoped that advertisements would tell the truth. I just never expected that they would be so honest about it. Kudos to Coca-Cola.

Real Fiction?

Nothing is more common and stupid than complaining about factual mistakes in fictional works. It is understandable when people who pay no attentions to such matters to make such complaints, but it is unforgivable for educated people to do so. We should have rule: if you can prove that you do not know the meaning of the word ‘fiction’, then you can complain all you like; otherwise, no. It is all realism’s fault, or rather the word ‘realism’ fault. People think realism is the rule for fiction; and to them, realism means real. Realist fiction then becomes real fiction. Is that not the most obvious contradiction? If it is real, it is not fiction. And if it is fiction, it is not real. So, it is easy to see if a critic know what he or she is talking about. If a critic complains that a fictional work, a novel or a film, for instance, is unbelievable or unrealistic, then that critic is an idiot talking out of his or her backside. Fiction can be boring, inspiring, absorbing, infuriating, etc., but certainly not real.

From the Back of My House

Daylight Energy Saving

As part of its “energy strategy,” United States lawmakers are negotiating to extend daylight-saving time by a week. This is certainly a major step forward when the rest of the “energy strategy” consists of “find more oil so we can burn more oil.” Just think about it the equivalent of thousands of barrels oil will be saved a day. So instead of burning tens of million of barrels of oil a day, they will be burning, um… tens of million of barrels of oil a day. This is all very encouraging, finally the US is thinking about doing something that may save some energy. Who says Bush and Chaney are not sacrificing their financial well-beings for the good of the world?

Easier to Watch

What is it with us these days? We are watching people doing things that we traditionally do ourselves. It started out with sex. Video normalized pornography to suburban homes and the Internet made the consumption of it completely private and common. Now, everybody watches pornography without hesitation. Next it was cooking. Public television started this abnormality then came Food Television. It has evolved from the more informative Julia Child shows to the purely entertainment of Emeril Lagasse. Julia Child knew what she was doing but fail every now and then. The way she dealt with the failures made her endearing. Lagasse does not know how to do half of the things that he is supposed to be doing but no one noticed; everybody just want to watch and hear him say bam! It is wrong to say cooking shows turned food into porn but they certain turned cooking into porn. It is no accident that restaurants now have open kitchen with bars situated like ringside seats. Restaurants have become strip joins. The latest thing is poker: a game men played in basements when they did not want to have sex with their wives. It is now a spectator sport and we watch with the highest level of vicarious emotion. Finally we do not have to do anything anymore. TV is taking care of our needs for sex, food and marital space. What more can a man want?

Scary Names for Serious Storms

I do not understand the people who name storms. There are two storms destroying everything on their paths right now: Haitang in Asia and Emily in the Caribbeans. Haitang is a beautiful flower and Emily a name of beautiful women. If I were naming storms, I would not have given them such nice names. Think about it, when a typhoon or hurricane is approaching, you want people to run and hide. You do not want people to say, “I am staying to smell the pretty flower.” Nor do you want them to stop to look at the beautiful girl. You want a name like “knee breaker” or Leviathan to scare all the idiots away from the beaches on the storm’s path. Even when worse come to worst, it is better to die when visited by Shiva rather than Andrew. Imagine your love ones telling their children that you are killed by Hugo and they think you were suffocated by your ill-fitted expansive jacket! How pathetic that would have been.

Denying the Obvious

The British government “angrily” denied that the recent bombings have anything to do with the UK’s participation in the war in Iraq. Talking about denying what is staring them at the face. This desire to distance the Iraqi War and terrorist attacks at home is probably unique in history. Normally, the governments would use the attack to justify their continuous actions overseas. This is a strategy that works almost 100 percents. The Spanish government first tried to blame the train bombing on the ETA; and, now the British is trying to say that the subway bombings would have happened regardless of Iraq. This shows how little support they think they have on the Iraqi War and how unconvinced they are of the righteousness of their cause. It is truly sad to see what happened to the country that stood alone against the full weight of the Luftwaffe.

Thank God For That

A study shows that prayers do not aid in the healing of the sick. Now, that is truly a revelation! If prayers could heal the sick, the Middle Ages in Europe would have been the healthiest in human history. Prayers were about all that they had back then for medicine. And they did pray a lot too; particularly when the plague hit. They really tried, not just praying but hiding in churches. They did kill all the “witches”, many of whom might just have the knowledge to heal many of the deceases against which they all prayed so very hard. Since we do not pray nearly as hard anymore, it is certainly a relief to know prayers lack physical healing power. And god looks better for it too, as least he is not running a protection racket: pray to me or die! Thank you.

Devalue my Property, Please!

Homeowners always complain about others lowering the value of their home. Racist uses it to mask their hideous reasons. Anal retentives say it about their messy neighbours. It has become the mantra of all who want things done in their neighbourhoods. It is the most counter-intuitive thing. I own my home and the only effect the changing of the estimated value of my home has on me is the property tax I pay. The more valuable my home is, the more I have to pay. High property value helps only when I am selling. Meanwhile, when my neighbours who are selling make more and more, I just keep losing money. I guess it make people feel good to know that they are a lot richer on paper, but it does not do anybody any good if the market briefly crashes a few years down the road when they are selling. That way, they lose twice, both on high taxes and low selling price. I want my house to value as little as possible right now. Note to my neighbours: please park your old cars on cinder blocks in your front yards over knee deep grass. That keeps money in my pocket.

Unnaturally Human

To a vast number of people, whenever they encounter something they do not like or do not understand they call it unnatural. It is the most redundant thing to say that anything human is unnatural. Think about it, if we were “natural” we would not wear clothes, live in houses, drive cars, elect officials, farm, mine, use computer, etc.; indeed, we would not be doing anything that we do everyday. These are just the most mundane things that we do. What distinguishes us from other living creatures are what made us human and thus “unnatural.” So, to call someone unnatural should be a compliment because it is the same as saying that someone is purely human. Natural are things that we instinctively want to do: to kill someone that offended us and eliminate races that are in competition with us, for example. Nature has no compassion, no empathy, no love, no justice, just survival and competition. When we transcended nature, we became human. If we want to eliminate the unnatural, we must first commit suicide. And since I like being human, I will keep on living and say, “thank you, I am unnatural.”

Voulez Vous Diner Avec Moi?

Good dining companion is the rarest sub-specie of friends. It is easier to find horrible dining partners: those who will not eat over 90% of the items of any menu, criticized the other's orders, have only complaints about the food and other matters through out, and pay for only and exactly what they have consumed without any tips or tax. It is worse than finding a mate; at least that has the sex drive going for it. And if you do not want to have sex with anyone, usually you just not have sex with that person; there is no social obligation in the exchange of bodily fluids. Unfortunately there are plenty of people we are socially obligated to dine with: relatives, friends, acquaintances, business associates, lovers, enemies, etc. If we say we do not want to dine with someone, it is considered to be a great insult without any possible justification. I have friends and family who I do not want to dine with, not because I love them any less that others but they are just horrible dining partners. I enjoy talking to them, drinking with them, driving around with them, partying with them, and may even have sex with them, but eating with them is just something else. I do not really understand why people pay for sex but I would certainly pay for the right dining companion.

Pie Bomb

I have been working on my pie-making the last few days. The more pies I made, the more I am convinced that they are nothing but delivery devices for sugar and fat. Take pumpkin pie for example, we take the sweetest of fruits and add to it sugar and cream, just enough eggs to hold it together and spices to make it palatable. We then put this filling (so appropriately named) into a shell (also appropriately named, with a sense of danger), which is simply sugar and fat held together by just enough flour. Pumpkin pie is therefore nothing but a soft state of sugar and fat contained by a hard state of sugar and fat. Savoury pie delivers less sugar but plenty of fat and salt. The greatest of them all is no doubt the English meat pies. I remember stopping by some town at mid-afternoon in the middle of England and the only food I could purchase were cold meat pies from the butcher shop. It was quite an impressive thing, that pie: minced pork glued to the shell with an abundance of lard. Only a butcher can make such a pie because no one else has that much lard on hand. Pies would be considered life giving five thousand years ago when fat and sugar were the most rare of nutrition. One could put pie into a strong box to be used in famine. If I had a time machine, I would just bring pie to the past. I would become the richest man on earth, and worship for being the greatest life-safer. Sadly, living in today’s world, I may be considered a suicide for consuming pies, and certainly someone with morbid thoughts for reminiscing about English meat pies. I need a straitjacket and a padded room.

The Decline and Fall of Home Cooking

Some chef is teaching a housewife to cook swordfish wrapped in Prosiutto. This summed up the problem of cooking shows, particularly those on Foodtv. Here you have a woman who has no idea how to cook fish for her family and she is taught to cook an expansive restaurant dish. If the lesson is successful, she can, maybe once a year, impress a handful of her dearest. All the other meal will make up of badly burnt tuna casserole! Shouldn’t she be learning to sauté white fish or fry some catfish? She needs basic home cooking help, not trying to become a one-dish restaurant cook. This is why all the cooking show only contributes to the decline of home cooking. All the viewers have are a whole of lot of fancy ideas without knowing how to boil an egg.

Changing the Real

Another big terrorist attack and the phase “the rule has changed” suddenly proliferates in all new media like weeds in my garden. What they really mean is that their perception of the world has changed. The world itself, and therefore “the rule”, has not changed at all. Just because you are shaken out of you illusion does not mean that the world or its rules has changed at all. You may end up dealing with the world in different fashion, but the world remains the same. The advantage of saying the rule has changed is that you can at once do different things, act with paranoia and not admit that you were wrong. The intrusion of reality only changes the Real, our (self-) delusion.

I Want My New Computer

I am convinced that most new computers are bought by people who do not really know how to operate them or to use them anywhere near their potential. How many times have I heard people complaining about how poorly their computers are performing or how the machine must be broken. The real problems of their computers can usually be solved by some cleaning its system a bit and maybe add some more RAM. A little elbow grease and very few dollars and their computer will be better than new. Unfortunately they go to a big box store and buy $2000 machines without learning really how to use them. It is hard to imagine how their machines get to weak for them since they are doing exactly the same things with it as when they bought the old machine. I guess we all should be thankful for all these people because without them, the computer industry would have died years ago. But then, is it all a terrible waste of material and technology? Plus, we now have all these semi-new computers that no one want! Too bad we can’t eat computers.

Unfortunately Astrologically

Today is the proof that astrology does not work. Today is the birthday of 50 Cent, Sylvester Stallone, and the Dalai Lama! I really do not see any common ground between these three. If there were really something deep and latent that they share, I would be worry sick for Tibetans. It is certainly not good to have a “gangsta” with speech impediment to lead an independent movement, much less a religion. And a slightly hunched over old guy with heavy glasses who is sworn to celibacy certainly cannot gain much street credit. This is just too bad though because Dubya was also born today. He can certainly use a bit of Dalai in him. His is just too 50 Cent.

Bye, Grokster! Now, next!

The movie people are happy this week after getting a US Supreme Court decision against Grokster. Does anybody think that shutting down Grokster will slow down illegal copying online? For people who download, they do not use just one or two programmes or services. No Grokster just mean more traffic on other networks. This is just like when they shutdown Napster, not a dent was made in downloading. The heart of the matter lies in the price and quality of mass-market movies and music: they are too expansive and too poorly made. The industries keep putting out numbers of how many billions are lost to illegal downloading. But be honest, how many of those people who downloaded would pay the market price for what they downloaded? Sure, they may download Herbie, but who in his right mind would voluntarily spend $20 to see it? They should do it like they do in Hong Kong: sell VCDs and DVDs cheaply. That way there is no real reason to go through the trouble to look and then download movies or songs. People can just pick them up with their happy meals for about the same money. They can sell special editions at premium price to the true fans. Make it a truly mass-market product and not a special night out, and we get back to the heydays of movies when people spent the whole depression in movie palaces. That way they have to spend less time in spending money and put more efforts into making interesting movies.